MILF– Mom, I’d like to F**K.
Up til now, the word MILF ticked me off – not because I was jealous, thinking I wasn’t one, but because it insinuated that most mothers, by nature, couldn’t possibly be desirable. So much so that somewhere in a college dorm two zit-faced, mac and cheese-eating horn dogs birthed the seedy name, MILF.
So, today I ask all Mothers everywhere to join me in redefining this term. I declare that as of this moment MILF will no longer be a term owned by men. It will no longer be insulting, slutty and seedy. It will be a term empowering tired, spanxless mothers with ponytails everywhere. MILF has officially been rebirthed to mean MILF: MOM I‘d LIKE TO FRIEND!
Mom I’d Like to Friend is the new series where I get to know moms who I think have something special, a talent, a vivaciousness, an attitude, a certain something. I get to hang out with Moms I’d Like to Friend. Subscribe every week every week to see who will be my next amazing MILF!
This past week I clicked and ordered a new bathing suit. It’s called the Miraclesuit. It didn’t make me feel good that my non-secular bathing suit has to summon Jesus to perform an act on my tummy that is not explicable by scientific law. This miracle has to happen just so I can be mediocre at my town’s pool which, by the way, is situated in a gravel lot between train tracks and a Bottle King. Just before paying for my miracle, I saw this picture on my Facebook feed with the caption “How’s this for a Facebrag? When it’s 98 in the Valley, this is what I get to come home to. #hotmama“
Before I could even finish the caption I saw this hot, tight bod in a bikini and I thought, “I HATE her! Who is that?” Why does my mind go straight to jealousy and hate when I see someone who is owning it and in their best body possible? I looked closer and realized it was my amazing friend, Celia, whom I’ve known for the last twelve years. We worked together in our twenties, in the heart of the Big Apple. Then I smiled and thought, “Good for her”… and then I ate a Krispy Kreme.
In the first edition of MILF I am hanging with my very good friend, Celia Behar. She is a counselor, writer and president of the popular website, thelilmamas.com. Celia, I am so excited to talk to you tonight about this incredible body you have and the one I DON’T have.
Celia: Can we talk first about the fact that I have pieces of cherry stuck to me in that picture because my kid had just been pegging me with the pits like a human dart board? I mean, if that’s not sexy I don’t know what is. Listen, I’m gonna say right off that bat that this is kinda uncomfortable for me to talk about because I’ll admit that I too go right to where you do when I see pictures of other women looking great and owning it. Hate and jealousy. THEN I go right to feeling bad about the fact that a woman would look at me and feel like that. Do men judge each other or themselves like this? Does society? I feel like once we become moms we’re “told” we aren’t supposed to be sexy anymore – and I get that motherhood is ya know, not the sexiest job and that a lot of women don’t feel comfortable rocking a bikini after they have kids, but some do.
Do you work out every hour of the day chasing chickens and swallowing raw eggs like Rocky?
Celia: I do not work out every hour of the day, although I have been known to sit in bizarre yoga positions while watching The Walking Dead in order to use my leg as a make-shift blindfold. I don’t think that burns any calories though. Let’s not talk about swallowing. We’re trying to unite moms, not alienate them. Jesh.
Have you always been a ‘Tiny Heiny?’ Oh, hell no. When I was a little kid, I was super skinny and could eat anything. So much so, that I earned the nickname “The Bottomless Pit.” But that caught up with me in my teens and I really struggled with my eating and my weight. By the end of my senior year of college, I weighed about 60 lbs more than I do now, which, for my frame, is quite a lot. But I changed nothing about the way I dressed, including what size clothing I wore, which was unfortunate. In fact, the same man who posted that bikini pic of me this week, also once called me “Grimace” when I wore a tight purple dress back then. In retrospect, it was a fair comparison. For the record, he still slept with me. Which means that a woman’s weight doesn’t actually matter as much to men as her confidence, or my husband has a real thing for chubby purple monsters. To each his own, I guess.
What’s your routine for keeping in shape because the only burpees I enjoy spell the alphabet right after I down a can of Pepsi
Celia: The stress and anxiety diet. It’s the best! Honestly, my routine has changed through the years. When we worked together at Showtime I got up every morning at 5: 45 to go boxing and I was pretty good at it, probably on account of my inner rage and all. When we moved upstate I ran for a bit, but I didn’t love that, so I joined a gym. Then I started spinning, which is basically what I picture as hell. Me on a bike at 6am with techno blaring in my ear? Yeah. That’s hell. So I quit that and started swimming. I swam about 10 miles a week for years and loved it and would also take a yoga class once a week. I always liked yoga but didn’t really commit to it until I got out here to LA. Now I take a yoga class almost every morning and I can honestly say that I love it. And by love, I mean that it’s insanely challenging and has completely changed my body, so I drag my ass to class and complain the whole way there. The thing is, I don’t LIKE working out and it’s my experience that most people don’t. I like how I feel after, and sometimes there are moments even during, but a huge lesson I’ve learned is that if you’re waiting to find a workout you’re just DYING to do everyday, you’re probably never going to workout. As you can see from my history, as boxer, swimmer and now a yogi – even when you do find something you, at the very least, don’t hate with a passion, you’ll still probably have to switch it up at some point. But look at all the skills I’ve mastered over the years by doing new things! If you ever need me to box the crap out of someone, underwater, in a very bendy way, I’ve got your back! Just don’t tell me to go sit and spin unless you’re actually telling me to screw off or I’ll be offended.
When was the last time you ate cookie dough?
Celia: Last week. Took some right out of my toddler’s mouth and put it in my own. True story.
What was your greatest physical achievement other than birthing out a watermelon er…a.. baby?
Celia: I can do some really cool party trick yoga poses. But I can also put my fist in my mouth, so that’s a tough call. You be the judge.
Do you eat to live or live to eat? Or live to pet your cat?
Celia: I LOVE food. Love it. I have no restrictions and will eat basically anything if it isn’t nailed down or running away from me. I could be a human trashcan. I also have a husband who is an amazing cook, which is awesome. That being said, when left alone I could survive on yogurt and bourbon straight out of their containers, but that’s partly so I don’t have to do any dishes. So….both? And while I love to pet my pussy, my cat basically sucks.
What’s you’re favorite piece of clothing that you love and everybody else hates?
Celia: I have a pair of completely beat-up and torn to crap baggy jeans that I love and always think look so good, but no one else thinks so. I just saw a picture of me in them recently and it DOES look like I could be wearing a diaper under them. But, I’m old so that could come in handy soon!
What’s your most favorite and least favorite body part besides the double headed hair that grows out of your nipple?
Celia: Oh come ON! NOW what am I supposed to pick?? OK, fine. Least favorite? 20 years ago I would have said my tits. I’m so small-chested and I used to hate that. But after having two kids, my tits look exactly the same as they did when I was 20, so I can’t complain. They haven’t gone south at all and I can cover my entire areola with a quarter. Yes, I’ve tried it. Shut up. I know that’s genetics and all, but after exclusively nursing 2 kids for a year each, come on! A girl can be psyched about that, can’t she? I’m actually not going to name a least favorite body part because I truly don’t have one anymore. I’ve spent far too much time wishing I had a different body or hating parts of the body I have. I work really hard at staying in shape and eating well and that’s as much for my kids as it is for me. I want to set a good example for them, plus , like I said, I’m freaking old. Staying in shape is a necessity in order to keep up with them! My body is what it is and I’m proud what it can do. Most favorite body part? What are we talking here… cause I feel like I should say my arms, but ya know… my MOST favorite? I mean….vaginas are pretty awesome.