My friend Eileen called last minute, “Come on, let’s meet the girls and see “50 Shades of Grey.” I had planned to see it later on in the week with my two other friends but I wasn’t able to confirm which day and I really didn’t want to wait to see it. So as soon as my husband came in the door. I gave him kiss, put my coat on and ran out to meet Eileen who sat idling in her car out front.
We bought our tickets on line AND arrived forty-five minutes early and do you believe there was still a LOOOONG line to get into the theater? The line had all ages of women in it and even men! The manager was telling people to go into theater 8 or theater 1. I asked him what’s the difference and he said, “Oh theater 8 is just about sold out so last minute we opened another theater.” This is nuts! Thank goodness we scored awesome seats in the partly crowded theater where we met up with seven other friends.
There was a bit of a creep factor sitting with eight other moms waiting for a soft porn movie to start. Some of the mothers are dear friends, others I’d only met a couple of times at my son’s school for pickup. Yet, here we were nervously munching popcorn and joking that our husbands had better be ready for some hardcore loving when we get home!
The movie starts with Annie Lennox singing her amazing rendition of “I put a spell on you.” We see Christian Grey running in the early morning light with his head covered in a gray hoodie.
I’m just going to get right to the chase… we all know how the story goes…
Within the first three minutes my friend Eileen leaned over and said, “This is cheesy.” And I have to tell you I agreed with her. The plot moved too fast…. I didn’t understand Ana’s immediate obsession with this weirdo guy. I wasn’t buying it. I also expected the first site of Christian Gray to make me swoon and instead it just made me mad.
Christian Grey was played by Irish actor Jamie Dornan. I’m sure he’s a lovely lad but one of the reasons I didn’t like this movie was because of him. Sorry Jamie… Private helicopter, jet and a sexy penthouse apartment but I still didn’t think he was all that. Instead I just wanted to squirt some gel onto his poofy curls and flatten them down. I wanted to tell him to stop furrowing his brow when he talks and quit taking long creepy pauses in between words. I also couldn’t get past his lousy English accent! The actor is from Ireland and every other sentence you could hear a soft Irish vowel come through. So my first impression of Christian Grey? Was just that. gray… boring, weird and gray.
Dakota Johnson was a perfect choice for Anastasia Steele. She a gorgeous girl stuck in a boring plain jane wardrobe and a very bad set of bangs. Her acting style is thoughtful and introspective but she seemed to have taken a page out of the Kristen Stewart acting book with some of her lifeless acting skills; slow reactions, frozen face and lips barely moving when she speaks. I know Anastasia’s look is supposed to be understated but she could have at least had a decent hairstyle? I wanted to run a roll brush and hairdryer through her hair! Was there a hair stylist on this set at all? After the first naked scene I started to feel bad for Dakota, like this was the movie she HAD to do to become this year’s IT girl. She has a gorgeous body and for most of the scenes she was sprawled out completely naked with her wrists tied up to a grid and her ribs popping out while she arched her back in what was supposed to be pleasure. Really though she just looked cold and victimized. As a mother I wanted to run over beat Christian with my purse, throw a blanket over her and then enroll her in a women’s studies empowerment class.
They say there was actually only about 15 minutes of sex scenes during this film. Because of the lack of chemistry between the two actors by the second or third scene, you are just like, “who cares?” An amazing sex scene in a movie is about two people who care about each other, are thoughtful and giving to each other. It’s not about a sex contract, bondage and someone whipping the crap out of you.
The biggest problem missing in this film is CHEMISTRY. The chemistry between these two people is non existent. Some movies with the best loves scenes are The Notebook, Pretty Woman even Out of Sight with George Clooney and JLo.
One of the greatest on screen chemistries was Richard Gere and Julia Roberts in Pretty Woman. Even though Richard was in his fifties and willing to pay a prostitute to spend time with him. He was able to make us all fall for him. He was sexy, dangerous, yet sweet and safe. These are all the qualities that Dornan playing Grey lacked. Yes, Grey is handsome but his cold approach to winning over Ana is just that COLD. There are moments he tries to flirt with her and make jokes but his robotic deliver just comes out too deliberate. One of my friends said, “You know, I felt like we could see him acting.” Too bad Gere and Roberts were too old to play Christian and Anastasia – now that would have been AWESOME!
Fifty Shades of Grey did not leave me excited, it didn’t leave me wanting more or even wanting more sex from my husband. It just left me feeling dirty and sorry for the actors involved in a shitty soft core porn film with amazing music.